Survival

Posted on by

It is hard to talk about my childhood, for the simple reason that it is kind of a bummer. I am, of course, affected by it, but talking about it has all these side effects of, well, bumming people out. I want to start a thread on this site about my earlier years, and I just have to do it. I can’t worry about taking breaks to geek out on something else and not being constantly dreary. I am going to write about what is on my mind.

When I was a child, starting at around 9 years old, I was convinced I would die upon becoming an adult. That also meant when I turned 18. It is an absurd idea to have as an adult, understandable for a child in those circumstances, and amazing that it would persist this long, buried deep down, unchallenged until now.

Among the other things becoming a parent does, I suppose it is safe to generalize that most people experience whichever verb best describes pulling at one’s heart. In my case it dredges. It is like a horrible emotion trawler, with nets weighted down by small sharpened anchors that impales the layer of muck and shit that covers my core, scrapping across it and turning the waters brown and red in its wake.

So, yeah, I’ve got some stuff to get off my mind. ^_^

Related posts:

  1. Emotion as a text

4 thoughts on “Survival”

  1. It sounds like that scene in Spirited Away where they clean the river. Or the scene in Ponyo where the boat with the net gets all the trash. But at least in Spirited Away, they are very careful to show us the joy at the end after the pain of the cleansing.

    Did you believe that you would do a specific behavior upon your 18th birthday (or would not WANT to do it but felt that you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself despite knowing it would make you die)? Or was it directly about the end of life and not something else causing death?

    I believed that I would be powerless. That’s falsely comforting because if you’re powerless, you don’t have to be responsible for anything. It is a crippling belief.

    Reply ↓

    • I am going to answer your questions over many years worth of posts, in sharing my past. I think that will best illustrate why I felt that way, and how I am changing. ^_^

      Reply ↓

  2. Pingback: Results for week beginning 2012-01-23 | Iron Blogger SF

  3. Pingback: High standards | standing alone in complexity

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

To create code blocks or other preformatted text, indent by four spaces: 

    This will be displayed in a monospaced font. The first four 
    spaces will be stripped off, but all other whitespace
    will be preserved.
    
    Markdown is turned off in code blocks:
     [This is not a link](http://example.com)

To create not a block, but an inline code span, use backticks: 

Here is some inline `code`.
For more help see http://daringfireball.net/projects/markdown/syntax

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

By submitting a comment here you agree to license it under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. That is very cool, thanks for sharing! ^_^