Comprehensive Spam Digest

February 9, 2012 — 1 Comment

It’s that time again: Spam Digest! It has been a while since the last one, so in the spirit of catching up the theme is comprehensiveness!

Just a sampling of my current junk folder demonstrates the breadth, if not depth, or topics that folks want to inform me about. Let’s get into it!

Felix MCALLISTER writes:

Good morning,
as reqeusted I give you inovices issued to you per february (Internet Explorer format).

Wow. I had no idea I had such specific request. I am assuming that by “Internet Explorer format” you mean “broken and janky conditional statements to fix corporate bullying on the web”. I would be happy to go over the “inovices”, which I think is short for innovative vice, but alas, I don’t have a copy of Internet Explorer, so I can’t explore that particular vice. Also, maybe you should learn to link or attach files, since you didn’t actually send anything…

Best-Penis is happy to share:

MaxGentleman Enlargement Pills have been featured across major media outlets around the world, including ESP and Fox News, with dozens of positive reviews.
This is the only Male enlargement supplement that has been PROVEN in clinical trials to enlarge your penis – safely, quickly, and importantly – PERMANENTLY.

Where to start? First of all, while I have basic ESP, I only get like, four channels. And I mute commercials. But you seem honest, so I will trust that you have at least 24 positive reviews.

However, none of that matters, because your marketing terrifies me. Why did you shout “permanently”? Are you messaging me through an AOL account? Why would you be so interested in the permanent primary qualities of my genitalia? That is just… creepy.

Listen Mr./Mrs./Miss Penis, I think you need to reevaluate your sales pitch. Maybe tone back your enthusiasm for Max-ing Gentlemen, or try engaging in some social media outreach. I hear Facebook is good for this kind of thing.

Photoshop Update wants me to know about:

Hello Software User !!!The Popular Titles, Flash and more at Photoshop Update

Hello Software User !!!The Just Released Software, MasterSuite 5 and more at Photoshop

and finally

Hello Software User !!!The Latest Titles, Creative Suite 5 and more at Authorized Adobe

Well, PU (may I call you PU?), you got me! I am totally Software User. I couldn’t afford to have all my e-mail transcribed to small cards delivered to me by Sebastian, so I am doomed to be the User you refer to, just to continue our correspondence.

Let me thank you for informing me of the popular, latest and just released software titles! Please tell me how I can get in on this. I am afraid I am rather antiquated, I am still using the ol’ apt-get install method. I don’t hear about the latest releases except once a day when my computer automatically checks the public repositories where all my current software comes from. But your way sounds groovy! Just to be sure, all those titles work in GNU/Linux or a web browser, ne? Sorry for asking, I just had a memory from a long time ago, and I feel like I’ve dealt with this before. Oh well, it couldn’t have been that bad.

Darla whispers:

Hey there How are you doing? I enjoy most of your profile.

Would you like to check out my own non-public photographs?

Wow, that is quite a revealing photo you sent along with your message. Is that yoga? Is it difficult to take self-shots while stretching like that?

I have to say, I am kinda taken aback. By “profile” I am assuming you are referring to my about page. Which part of it did you not “enjoy”? Is it the photo? Because that isn’t yoga. It really doesn’t represent how limber I am. On the other hand, I am wearing sheer undergarments (I just don’t show them off like you).

At any rate, thanks for the offer. I don’t normally go for “non-public” photos. Do you have anything licensed under a Creative Commons license, or maybe a MediaGoblin instance? That would be really handy!

RuneScape convivially informs:

Greetings!

It has come to our attention that you are trying to sell your personal RuneScape account(s).
As you may not be aware of, this conflicts with the EULA and Terms of Agreement.
If this proves to be true, your account can and will be disabled.
It will be ongoing for further investigation by JAGEX Entertainment’s employees.
If you wish to not get your account suspended you should immediately verify your account ownership.

Listen RuneScape, as I’ve already informed you, I already sold my account. Therefore I can’t technically verify my account ownership. I am not sure why you still have my e-mail address, it should be changed to that of the gold farmer I sold it to. Also, I didn’t technically switch ownership. See, in your EULA, you don’t actually require a natural person to agree, so of course I used a corporation to create the account for Killaz6969. Then I merely exchanged ownership of the corporation for Bitcoin, which as we all know is not really money.

My point is, please remove me from your mailing list, your game sucks.

USAA Web Services asks:

Is your lack of a degree holding you back from career advancement? Are you having difficulty finding employment in your field of interest because you dont have the paper to back it up even though you are qualified? If you are looking for a fast and effective solution, we can help!

I am doing okay, but I know people looking for a change, so maybe I should point them your way. You peeps are the ones doing the Open Badges, right? Like, you are creating an alternative educational system, where people are acknowledged for what they actually know, and it allows for people to learn in a more natural way, while also letting employers, companies and collaborators parse through qualified candidates in a meaningful and efficient manner?

You are working with the Mozilla Foundation on this, ne?

Cupid Happiness relates:

Rogero, much moved by this intelligence, entreated her to take off her helmet, and at the discovery of her face remained transported with delight. While absorbed in this contemplation, an unexpected danger assailed them. A party which was placed in a wood, in order to intercept the retreating Christians, broke from its ambush upon the pair, and Bradamante, who was uncasqued, was wounded in the head.

Well, I’ve got to say, this is one way to sell Viagra. If I were to make a single critique, the primary protagonist seems inconsistent. Unless you are speaking in metaphor, the catharsis achieved upon seeing a person’s face, in a world I can only assumes requires that people where helmets from birth, is broken by the gang I am gonna call the Lions for obvious reasons. However, in the ensuing violence, the uncasqued Bradamante receives a wound to the head. How is it that Rogero could have gone from contemplative to belligerent in the course of a single ambush? Where is the character’s drive, what are eir goals?

Sorry, I just can read the five other paragraphs that follow in your message. However, I would like to offer my professional services as an editor to you. Get in touch.

Ming Yang solicits:

I am Mr. Ming Yang, Director of Operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd, Sai Wan Ho Branch, Hong Kong, I am seeking your assistance in helping me receive a large amount of money and in giving a clear research and feasibility study on areas I could invest on.

Um, like, you just want to borrow some money? Do you have a blog I can just Flattr or something?

Well, that is it for this digest! I hope you are able to appreciate the range of subjects my correspondence brings me. It isn’t all pr0n and boner pills. It is also software piracy, preying on the uneducated, money laundering and just a bit of semi-erotic micro-fiction! ^_^

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