Archives For Emma Clover
Susan: Where does the jellyfish live?
Clover: At home.
Clover just figured out how to open the fridge. The beginning of an era…
Clover used to be so little…
Today Clover was using a chair to get flowers from a glass vase. When I told em to get down e started frantically trying to put the flower back in. I got scared, and reacted in a way that I knew would paralyze Clover, because it works on most humans: I yelled in a specific, scary way.
Clover cried and ran to Susan.
It is the most violent act I committed against em, and perhaps the most violent in all, aside from gravity or sharp corners. Nobody felt good about it, we were all left less happy.
I am observing this here for reference. Humans are fragile, wired for adversity, and ultimately lead meaningless lives with the exception of the connection we make with each other. As morbid as it sounds, I think it would have been better for Clover to cut eir hand on the vase.
Before Clover when to sleep, e took off eir socks and put on a scarf. Because that makes sense.
Trigger Warning: This post makes reference to child abuse and alcoholism.
I stopped drinking booze regularly a few months ago. But for years I’ve avoided drinking away from home. I wasn’t sure why that was, but I just thought of it: every person that beat me as a child was a drunk adult.
The reason I was thinking of it is because whenever anyone asks me if I would like a drink at some social function, instead of politely refusing, I would explain in constrained detail that I don’t drink in public. That was shorthand for me saying, “I am going to stay sober, because I don’t trust any of you, and I need to have some advantage if you are drunk.”
Of course I don’t distrust many folks, and I actively surround myself with people that I can rely on to a certain extent. But I don’t like it when people drink at social functions. “Social drinker” was the code-words my grandparents used to discuss their alcoholism, and because I don’t have the energy to check in with each person and seeing how they are doing in life in order to make an assessment, I’d rather just be able to check out of the whole ritual.
I prefer to drink alone, because I am often alone, and that is when drinking happens. It used to concern me, because drinking with friends, or to become uninhibited, is given a pass in this society. I don’t really enjoy either, because I like paying attention to people, and I like being uninhibited while sober. I realize now that it is a source of power for me, and also a privilege. I can do things that other people need chemical supplements to achieve.
One day (in a couple of decades) I hope to drink good wines and sake with Clover, and hopefully cultivate in em a snobbish disdain for cheap, tasteless liquor. But I will never put myself in a situation where I could easily justify hitting anyone, let alone a child. And since it doesn’t actually affect me socially, I won’t drink with groups of people, either.
Today Clover was sick, so e sat in my lap and we watched Little Bear videos together. Eir favorite one is probably Mother Bear’s Button. I was completely surprised when a minute into it, Clover just started saying it. Everything, every line, of each character. I have a good memory, and can often repeat lines back to folks verbatim, but I can’t recall that entire video. That is fascinating.
On the other hand, the day before, Clover was eating something and sneezed, biting down really hard on eir finger! It didn’t draw blood, but it did break the skin, and really freaked em out; e cried and hyperventilated for a few minutes. Susan and I took turns holding em so the other could silently bend over in laughter. It was hilarious! I am so sad for this little kid that mimic mannerisms after a single observation, but will also bite themselves sneezing.
Hahaha! Humans are funny. ^_^
I had grand plans to heavily document Clover’s life, from the beginning. Turns out that is really hard, since doing so is not generating income. And living with Clover and Susan, and generating income are my daily goals.
Susan does a lot better job of catching a visual record, and we’ve supported that by ensuring she has good equipment and a publishing system that works (Instagram to WordPress). All the photos I take are on a DSLR camera, and I don’t have a good workflow of moving them onto the web.
So, quick and infrequent update: Clover is rocking. Susan and I are as well, although our childhoods seem to get popping up more as Clover’s develops. Meh (not really, it is awesome, in that terrifyingly literal sense). We are ever figuring stuff out, and trying to make the most out of it. We are not rich, but we are certainly not poor; ours is a lovely life, and the less we take for granted, the more wonderful the world is around us. I think my capacity as an “adult” it correlated to how much I want to move it forward for future people to enjoy the civic infrastructure around them. That would be a nice sensitivity for Clover to grow up around. ^_^