Feelings about school

Today Clover had eir first non-transition day at school. Clover loves it, and we can already see a change in em. Things like more confidence and a relaxed approach to obstacles. That’s… weird, and it own thing. I wasn’t expecting that, but then again, I was completely ambushed by my feelings.

I already had a cry about it, so I am fairly confident that I’ve pinpointed it down to unconditional love. I’ve been fortunate (blessed, really) to care for Clover for the last year. It has been tough at times, mostly because sometimes we don’t have enough money, and other times because I was crazy in a particular way. But I took for granted that the whole time I had my buddy here next to me.

Leading up to doing drop-ins at school, I was actually blaise about the whole affair. I didn’t want to feel guilty for thinking of the time I will have to myself and my work. And I didn’t want to over-think what we were doing. We aren’t leaving Clover there for very long, and the time spent there is in a room larger than our entire cottage, filled with safe things to play with, including other kids. And their playground is kick ass as well. It makes a lot of sense for us to do this, in lieu of that infrastructure on our own.

So when it actually came time to step out, and see if Clover would freak out, it caught me off guard that I could feel every organ in my gut, and they were all telling me to panic.

Fortunately, I panic well. ^_^

I kept it together, and cried profusely at a safer place. And I realized that I really enjoy just having Clover around me, e brightens up my life. And it made me realize that while at times it has felt like the hardest time of my life, because the stakes feel higher, since Susan came home and told me we were pregnant, it has been the best time of my life. And it is getting better.

My mantra is, “Clover isn’t the one with abandonment issues; we will get through this.” I am looking forward to the morning when I am not jumping up every five minutes because I can’t hear Clover anywhere in the house and OMFG did e fall in the tub and can’t get out?!

And this hyper-development time Clover is having will double as work time for me, so that I can make the world a better place for em, and stay engaged in my own life. Because I know that there is a little kid that loves me something fierce.

And that helps. ^_^

Deciding to have children (Part 1?)

Kage asked for more details about our decision to have children, and I think it deserves its own post, or perhaps many posts.

The first thing I want to say is, for me at least, it isn’t a simple decision. It is ongoing, and that I have declared it is mostly a testament to the fact that in my everyday experience, I want to have children more than I don’t want to have children.

Let’s talk about urges for a moment. I am not very informed on the specifics, but my understanding is that humans have these procreation urges that are different in some ways depending on gender. The extent of what I know about this what I’ve learned about how men and women approach certain portions of polyamory (check out Monogamy, Polyamory, and Beyond, it’s my favorite article on the subject, and is just a fascinating read). To over-simplify it, men want to spread their seed, and women want to nest, and that manifest in different ways, the particulars of which are molded by cultural norms and family values.

Susan’s and my personal instances of these urges have been fraught with pain and insecurity, which in turn allowed us to grow closer because we were able to find comfort and safety in each other. To say that we talked about this at length is an understatement. We were nearly obsessed with the subject of having children for the last eight months, so much so that I actually got a little depressed after we made the decision a few weeks ago. I think it was anti-climatic, since deciding to have a child is a very emotional step, but the logistics involved in modern pregnancy is not by any means an instant process (I will expand on that in a future post).

I think Susan will get more into her stuff, but for me, the idea of raising a child hits upon something so deep and wrapped around my psyche that even now it draws forth a well of dread and fear. But a lot of things are like that for me (almost all of which are listed under “being an adult”). When I started getting into it, I realized I had a cache of unresolved anger and fear associated with my childhood, and more specifically, my parents. It tickles me to no end that once again, the topic and very idea of children being in my life is therapeutic.

Susan expresses something like discomfort at the idea of being a parent at home, instead of, or as well as, at work. She counts her blessings in being able to spend so much time with kawaii babbies all day, and then being able to go home and let go (albeit after a decompression period). She likes sleeping in on the weekends and traveling without reservation. I think it is because she is exposed to the demographic that bemoans these things, and therefore is given the contrast of her current life with theirs.

My life-logistics discomfort came in the form of insecurities for working and “providing” for a family. I mean, I dread that now. I am perhaps not the best candidate for a business owner, besides the fact that I am even worse at being an employee. So thinking of taking care of such a precious little creature (human babies are so damn fragile and weak, I am sure the other mammals snicker at us) is terrifying. Unless I think about it, of course. I am okay, I get by, and that has almost always been the case, regardless of my lifestyle or expenses. In the lapses of discretion I’ve had (which are becoming more and more rare as I learn more about having a purpose and career) I had my tribe to help me stabilize.

These are just a few of the things that have been going through, and continue to go through, my head as we’ve come to this decision. I definitely think that this will be multiple posts, since there is so much more that I’ve worried about, and subsequently reconciled. Please feel free to ask me any questions or clarifications, I would love to articulate this well, since I imagine a lot of people in our generation will be considering the same things as they decide. ^_^

Also, Susan has her version of When is babby formed?; it may provide more insight into this process for us. ^_^