No more Bawls

I drank a bottle of Bawls over 14 hours ago. I should have been asleep a few hours ago. Never doing that again.

When I was younger, I compensated for my over-thinking and sensitivity. I wore myself out in mind and body so I could rest, because if I don’t, I can hear cars from afar, and people breathing in the apartment below me, and ice hardening in the freezer, and if nothing else, just a constant ringing in my ears from a deafening silence.

Now I listen to Susan and Clover breathing, or I think about how I will leverage my privilege to help someone today. I accept it, let it flow through me. I still use tea to blow the fuzz out of my brain, and I know that after three pots, I am really, really happy. But I can get to sleep before the sun rises on the next day, even after that much tea.

Energy drinks really mess me up. I’m okay with that. I’m okay without them.

New apartment routines

The last week has been tough. About 18 months ago I started practicing daily routines. And about 8 months ago I went from being a full-time caregiver to a full-time webcrafter. However, I was able to keep my routine because I stilled stayed at home, and I was able to adjust it over time.

This recent move through me for a loop, but Susan talked some sense into me, and made me realize that I needed to grab on to something again, to navigate this new environment.

I practice what I called structured flexibility. I could, and should, write a lot about it, but the basic premise is that I try to be unattached to most ideas or habits*, so I can react with intention when people need help. I discourage clients from unplanned work, but I also specialize in web disaster relief. If my tribe is in need, I can make things happen, because those occurrences happen with an infrequency that make it easy to deal with one crisis at a time. The structured part comes from the forethought of not over-committing myself on emotionally taxing situations, and to my routines.

Moving is very emotional, and if not for folks in general, then for me in particular. It is basically one mini-crisis after another, and it had exhausted me to the point of forgetting to eat or drink.

I am coming out the other end of that now, having my expectations being met (really, just internet access at home, and deciding to continue my caffeine addiction**).

On the bright side, Clover seems to be doing really well. All the parents(!) told us that if we got a larger space we would use it, which is an experiential thing that didn’t make sense to me. Clover runs around, something that wasn’t really possible in the tiny cottage. It is a privilege that I don’t take for granted. We also just switched out our stroller and car seat for larger versions, so I guess there is a lot of change, for all of us.

I am lucky to have Susan here to ground me in my walkabout in maiki-brain. ^_^

*That is a loaded statement, and can’t be explained here without muddling the topic of this post. I do have attachments, though.
** I get headaches if I haven’t had a cup of tea within the last day. It is common, but it worries me.

No more soda

Emma noticed I had soda. That really bothered me.

Oh noes, so much change at once! I will be okay (probably).

Yesterday, when Emma and I went to visit Susan for lunch, we picked up some beverages. There was cranberry juice, coconut water and Coca-Cola. Emma immediately reached for the Coke. Even though it was a coincidence, it freaked the hell out of me. Turns out hell is the part of me that drinks soda.

I’ve known for a while that I would have to stop drinking soda eventually, and now we are at the point where Emma is starting to have opinions on food. Soda is out.

So, tea and water. Doesn’t sound bad; actually, that sounds really awesome! And the more hydrated I stay, the better I feel, so of course this is going to work out really well for me. ^_^

Finding a pace

Some musings, I guess an update.

I’ve been really busy lately. Almost in a daze. I am content and generally at peace, but I need to close some loops.

My eyes have gotten worse. Or the glowing has gotten intense. Or I’ve always squinted and just didn’t notice.

Or all three.

When I am around Susan my mind flip-flops between concern for her welfare (she is fine, in great health, and there is a person growing inside of her) and the realization that I will be holding a child that shares my karma, one day.

That last part is a neat interesting sensation, the flood of chemicals hitting my awareness, telling it romantic stories of parenthood and possession. Normally I try to fight it, but I am trying to relax, unclench and breath.

My work status is a lot. I am not sure it if is enough, but there is plenty. Loops. Closing.

Assam is a state in India. Wonderful tea is grown there.

And then, the headaches

Solidarity! Cutting out alcohol and caffeine for the babby and just living better.

For solidarity with Susan, I’ve decided to stop drinking alcohol. It is an easy choice to make. I enjoy drinking by myself, and that becomes a slight problem, since I have an incredible tolerance, and will often finish a bottle of wine or sake, or a all the beers, by myself. I don’t get drunk, but it isn’t helping my health, obviously. I am not swearing it off, but I won’t buy it, either. So anyone who wants to buy me a drink, don’t worry, I will comply.

The other thing is caffeine. Susan doesn’t drink a lot of caffeine, despite her wanton desire to bath in coffee. However, to be safe we are trying to cut-back on her daily mug of morning tea. There are actually a lot of interesting things going on with different teas, such as green tea canceling out folic acid, which is used to prevent birth defects early on.

I plan on talking about this in another post, but the asymmetry of responsibility between the pregnant person and their partners is fascinating and confusing. So I try to rise to the challenge and not tempt Susan with silly things like taking my morning breakfast tea baths in front of her.

Seriously, though, I wanted to try to match her and cut back my caffeinated tea intake as well. I’ve more or less stopped completely, since we got this very decent non-caffeinated tea. I still put in sugar for the first mug of the day, but the rest of the time I am just drinking it because I love tea, and also to trick my brain into thinking it is getting what it wants.

That is the tricky part, of course. My brain, if nothing else, is good at adapting, so I am not sure how long I can keep it going. I’ve been sleeping more and more, each cycle, but I haven’t gotten to that point where I feel really rested when I wake up. I end up napping throughout the day, and at any given moment I could just go to sleep. I am not sure if everyone does this, if everyone is holding back a flood of weariness through liquid stimulants.

For the last 26 hours or so I’ve been getting the headaches, and my plan is to drink lots of water and sleep as much as possible.

Hopefully, after I acclimate to not drinking alcohol and caffeine. I can enjoy them as treats instead of as part of a daily ritual. I don’t want to burn out like so many hyper-thinkers, so maybe I can adopt a life-style like so many wise people who seemingly live forever. ^_^

English breakfast

Today I am staying in bed and working diligently until I can play LOTRO! All comfy and stuff!

I have decided I am going to stay in/near bed today. I am still doing work, but I have the benefits of working at home. It is overcast outside, which means that when I get done working I am going to be playing LOTRO in my optimal conditions: warm and comfy inside while it is cold and dark outside! Yay!

After my bagel, Tofutti, and jack cheese breakfast I am settling in with a pot of English breakfast. ^_^

This is one of my matching Beehouse teapot and cup sets. ^_^
This is one of my matching Beehouse teapot and cup sets. ^_^